Why?

Why what, you're asking? 

Well, last week I had an interview for a job promotion in work. I'd had one in March this year but it was bad timing personally and I didn't do well, so this time meant a lot to me. I prepared the best I could, bearing in mind that we were very busy in work. I came out of the interview thinking I had done pretty well, but not wanting to get my hopes up.

Today I finally heard the outcome and it was basically that I hadn't come top on this occasion. The good news is that I did well in my interview and it was obvious that I had prepared for it. So the plan is to move me onto a different payroll in the coming few months so that I get some exposure to different processes, because my current payroll is not typical of how they usually operate. I can see the sense in this and overall feel like management are on my side and trying to put me in a better position for the future, which is a great feeling!

This evening I told hubby I hadn't got the job. He said he was glad.

I went on to tell him that I am going to be moving payrolls. He went off on one about upsetting apple carts!  

So, why? Why can't he encourage my ambitions and trust that I feel ready or else I wouldn't be doing these things? Why should I sit still whilst the world keeps moving on and be grateful for the option? Why am I having to write this blog when I should be jubilant about the bright future that seems to be ahead of me?

Why?

A Not-So-Little Update!

The last couple of months have been a bit hectic to say the least! Dad got through his operation - although he is still not 100% healed yet, he is driving and that makes a big difference to things as Mum doesn't drive. We visited on our way back from Italy in early October, which was great for putting my mind at rest! We also went over the weekend before last for Dad's birthday, which was lovely because I was worried about him with it being his first birthday without his Mum. We went out to eat on all 3 days and kept him occupied, so he got through it as well as he could.

October was, for me personally, not the best month. I had tried to eat well and do some exercise, but it just didn't happen as well as I'd hoped. I managed to put a temporary halt to my driving lessons after being let down one time too many by my instructor, so I've had more time to think about other things, but unfortunately those thoughts have not really converted into actions! [The driving lessons will recommence fully next Spring with the intention of having my test done and dusted during the summer.]

In September, I had decided to weigh in bi-monthly. So November 1^st, I stepped on the scales and was very disappointed by my weight. 16 ½ stone!! I hate getting hung up about what the scales say, so I am also monitoring my BMI and two measurements – waist and right thigh. I am hoping this will give me a full picture of my progress, once I actually start to make progress, that is!! I have also had a change of heart and will now be weighing in monthly, but still on the 1^st. I need to keep on top of myself and not slack off for too long before I realise! Thanks to HC for suggesting this :)

Having said that, I have under 2 weeks left until my next weigh in already! I just don't know where time goes sometimes!

I also decided that starting on 1^st November I would start a new account on Sparkpeople. I'm using it to record my monthly measurements, get recipe ideas and find support from similar people regarding my weight loss journey and also other issues in my life. I am not joining challenges of any kind. I do not want the stress of comparing myself to others, of failing and hating myself. This is my journey and I will go along at my own pace, learning lessons as I go. I do have my own time scales, but I am even considering revising those.

The biggest lesson I need to learn is that life doesn't have to stop whilst I am trying to reach a goal. I don't have to be at my perfect size when we go to Italy next year – it is more important to be close to full fitness and able to fully enjoy the experience. I don't have to lose all of my excess weight before I try to run a 5K, as long as I feel strong and fit enough to complete it. I don't have to avoid social events just because I am not 100% happy with my figure, as long as I remember that my friends like me for my personality not my looks.

As things stand, I am meeting my friend for coffee on Friday afternoon. For the last 2 years, I've put this off for one reason and another. I am so annoyed with myself for that. One big reason was guilt, because I felt I should be using the time to work on clearing the old house. I'm over that now. It's one big mess that we really need to address, but I am not willing to put my life on hold for it any longer! I am so excited to see my friend again, we've so much to catch up with! I am determined that next year will be about enjoying life with people I care about. As much as I enjoy my own company, I have to admit that I do need people around me to give me strength and help me feel better about myself, I'm just not very good at asking for it!

**cue group hug **

So yeah, the rest of this year is going to be very much about survival. I'm almost done with my Christmas shopping, but unfortunately I am not going to bother with Christmas cards this year. Whatever your religious beliefs, you have to agree that Christmas is far too commercialised these days. I don't want to encourage that. Instead I am going to focus on the New Year. Some lucky people will receive something from me in early January. Don't ask me what, because I have no idea as yet!

Aside from preparing for the festivities, I also need to tidy our house, clean our house and get rid of things we are not intending to keep (things the in laws brought in whilst they were working on the refurbishment). Then we can continue moving things in from the old house. We have to get it done before Christmas so that early January can be solely for cleaning and then we can hand over the keys before we go on holiday. At least, that is the plan!

Everything comes back to organisation though! I can eat well if we have bought the right foods and I have prepared them. If I eat well, I feel well and able to progress with things that need done. If things progress, I feel able to spend time on other things that make me happy. If I'm happy, there's a better chance hubby will be happy. If hubby is happy, he is nicer company and I feel better able to approach him on things that need to be done. And so on! :)

I am sorry to have rambled on so long tonight folks! I do find it quite therapeutic though, so I am going to try and write more often over the next 6 weeks. It's going to be tough and I need you guys to do your wonderful supportive stuff, but you're not going to do that if I don't share my woes!

Until next time!

M x

Driving me crazy? Not any more!

Sometimes in life, you have to do what is for the best rather than being stubborn and trying to stick to how you want things to pan out. 

This is the situation I am in with my driving lessons. I truly wanted to pass my test within a year of starting lessons in July 2013. That possibility is long gone now! I have rearranged my test about 4 times since I originally booked it, purely because of inconsistency of lessons and not gaining enough confidence. 

Recently, I was away on holiday and then when I returned and tried to arrange a lesson, I was left hanging for a few days before my instructor was able to tell me that his sister in law had passed away and he'd been visiting the hospital, which is why he couldn't phone sooner. I was as compassionate as I would be with anyone, but at the back of my mind I am always thinking about how he is conducting his business so poorly! 

Anyway, I had a lesson booked for Sunday 19th October but unfortunately I had to cancel that one because I wasn't well. I was gutted because I wanted to get back to it so badly after such a long gap. I asked could we do Friday 24th at 10am and he replied he could do Friday but it would need to be 10.30am. That was fine. 

10.40am on Friday, I gave up waiting and phoned my instructor. He was in the car but on his way to a wedding! He thought he had cancelled everyone! I was very annoyed about this but tried not to show it too much on the phone with his wife in the car. I agreed to see him on Monday lunchtime. 

So that was my day completely sent off the rails - I was fuming, wondering "why me?" and not in the place I had intended to be for the day (I'd planned to end the lesson at the old house)!

As things turned out, I didn't get around to telling hubby what had happened until Saturday brunchtime. He was fuming too! He suggested that I just cancel my test and cut my losses with my instructor and then start over next Springtime, when the evenings are lighter and I can get some serious hours in. I saw his point but was nervous because my instructor is a lovely guy, just not very good at running a business! The more I thought about it over the weekend, I decided that I wanted to keep today's lesson and talk to him face to face rather than trying to do it over the phone. 

All morning my stomach was churning with nerves because I *hate* confrontation of any kind! It was simply horrible! In the end, hubby came with me to talk to my instructor and it panned out slightly differently to how we'd discussed between us. 

As things stand now, I am going to cancel my test. I am then going to wait for my instructor to get his new car at the end of November and then take the odd lesson every other Friday to help me get used to it. Then after Easter, I am going to book my test again and really hit the lessons hard. 

That gives us time to mull it over and I can still cancel with him if I want to. I don't really want to though, because I'm not good with new people and I feel like we know each other pretty well and that helps the lessons go better, but I just pray that he doesn't let me down again!! 

With any luck though, I will have passed my test before my birthday, which will be awesome! In the meantime, I have free space in my brain for concentrating on other things, such as the dreaded old house clear out! 

So yeah, it's not within the time scale I had wanted, but I will get that driving licence eventually and that's the main thing really! 

M x